


Spooky Secs with Barry the Bowl

by orphan_account



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Real Person Fiction, The Phandom, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Bad Jokes, Bad Sex, Condensed Milk, Crack, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I'm Going to Hell, M/M, Memes, One Shot, Other, Phandom - Freeform, Sex, Shrek - Freeform, Smut, This is the worst thing I have written, Threesome - M/M/Bowl, Threesome - M/M/M, What Have I Done, crackfic, why
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-01
Updated: 2016-11-01
Packaged: 2018-08-28 11:40:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8444434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Barry was a lone kitchen bowl in the surprisingly spick-and-span kitchen of boyfriends Dan Howell and Phil Lester. However, ever since a certain baking video (which didn't contain an ounce of 'baking,' mind you;) Barry has fallen deeply, deeply in love with Phil. And yeah, the feeling is mutual.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Phan smut/crackfic and I understand that it's terrible and shameful and full of cringe. Plox don't hurt me I am a nice child

Phil laid his supple, pale fingers onto Barry the Bowl’s soft glass frame. Barry moaned in ecstasy, his nether regions filling up with tingling, milky goodness as Phil poured the condensed milk (fresh from a cow’s teat) inside of him. Truth was, ever since Phil and Dan filmed the Monster Pops video, Barry was aching for more. He loved Phil’s company. Especially when he’d put on Smash Mouth as their sexy-time music so both of them could get in the mood.

“Oh Phil, daddy, kiss me more. I want more of your angel bean lips wrapping around my hapless form.” whined Barry, panting heavily.

“Yeah, yeah B-bag.” Phil grunted, although feeling a bit cringe due to the previous statement’s alliteration being so icky. He didn’t want to embarrass himself in front of Barry-kun-chan-senpai, after all. Wait they were having sex _lol._ Oh fuck. This was so rich with antittypation, and as long as Dan didn’t know then all would be good. “I never thought I’d be re-enacting Stevie Wonder’s _Part Time Lover_ with a fucking bowl.” He whispered to himself.

“Mmmmff. What was that hun?”

“Nothing.” stammered Phil. “Now let me put my stick innn yourrrrrrr…. unbaked.. ***hand gestures***.. m-muscles.”

“YEAH!!! TEACH ME DAD!!!”

"Gasp!" Phil gasped in shokku when he heard Barry steal his boyfriend Dan's new kinky sexphrase.

The secs lasted for about 5 minutes _lmao rip._ Dan then came into the front room wearing his sticky leather shirt unironically. Dan-chan's sad dimple came into perspective while he made strange noises.

“fil why r u fuccing a bowl???!!!1111”

“Ssh Dan. It’s only Barry, he doesn’t try to bite my dick off like you do.”

“omg i cunt belive u cheatd on me!!?” Dan pulled a face. “FIL LESTA!” he screamed, in caps lock.

“Oh man.” sighed Phil, his dick still in the condensed milk. Maybe it wasn't so bad for Dan to be here. He grabbed Barry’s testicles which weirdly resembled the monster pops, as Barry squealed a manly squeal.

“luk at those harrd balls… redy 4 soakinggh” moaned Dan.

“Yes!! Ice me with your shrekkk!!!” Barry wailed. “Phil, daddy; please get out of my swamp.” he then requested, motioning towards the milky stoof still inside of him. Phil nodded as Dan put on his Shrek mask, and yanked on Barry-chan-kun-senpai’s schoolgirl stockings. Phil got out the icing and it was time for the fun to begin. All three of them blushed a pumpkin-spice orange, as spoopy time was not yet over for them. Phil decided to all-spice up the mood with some tunes. But this time it wasn’t All Star.

“Hey Dan pass the AUX chord.”

“better not play trashhh!!!”

“…”

_My name is [Dan]_

_“…”_

“sTOP BULLHYINGG MAEE!!1” 

 

Phil, Dan and Barry the Bowl had a hot steamy smexy yaoi threesome, perhaps with Dan muttering a few ironic memes here and there. All was calm. All was good. All was _sticky._

 

 

And every month, they buy a new bowl.

 

_~Fin.~_

**Author's Note:**

> This text was the worst thing my finger muscles have ever produced.
> 
> Check out my other fic it's way better than this one ~{this is utter trash}~


End file.
